Al Gore’s S.S. Burning Planet Expedition Hits Snag…, Note this is Satire

-Satire

It was the Year 2014—fifth anniversary of Al Gore’s confident prediction that “in five years the polar ice will melt.” [sic]  And a band of true believers— Australian scientists and global warming experts led by experienced skipper Harold “Chips” Ahoy—set out to confirm and document the prediction of their hero and International Guru of Climate Change (formerly known as Global Warming) Al Gore.

On board the 350-foot S.S. Burning Planet—Gore’s politically correct research vessel powered by methane generated from hog manure and pond scum—were research equipment, food, supplies and a well stocked library of such learned Gore treatises as Inconvenient Humans (The Case for Population Control)© 1985; Melting from Within (How the Center of the Earth is Hotter than the Sun) © 1990; No, Seriously, it is Global Warming © 2012; Banning Beef (The Menace of Bovine Flatus) © 2013.  This hardy band had read every word penned by Gore—the Nobel Prize winner, founder of Al Gorezeera, almost President, Inventor of the Internet, owner of zinc mines and ocean front real estate developer—and were confident in his predictions as they sailed toward what used to be the South Pole and what they were certain was now simply a coordinate in the middle of the ocean surrounded by starving polar bears floating helplessly on ice floes drifting in the ocean. But their confidence was soon dashed.

As they proceeded to that indistinct watery coordinate formerly known as the South Pole, the Burning Planet encountered the unthinkable… ice.  In fact, to the disbelief of the crew the vessel got irretrievably stuck in 6 feet of ice that was not supposed to be there.  Hopelessly locked in 6 feet of Global Warming Residue, the researchers radioed for help and ice breakers from three countries responded in an attempt to free the stranded scientists—but to no avail, for they too got stuck in the frozen ocean.

In irony heaped on irony, the researchers had to be rescued by a helo dispatched from China—the world’s worst air polluter with smog so thick in some cities that one cannot see across the street.

Hearing of the incident, Stoos Views’ own Hugh Betcha, Head of Stoos Views International Climate Change News Bureau, flew the company plane to Australia, leaving behind his home in Wystone, South Dakota where it was, at the time, a balmy19 below zero Fahrenheit.  Hugh, voted “Most Respected Environmental Reporter 2013” by Greenpeace International, and “Reporter We Would Most Like to Hang With, 2012” by MSNBC, hurried to meet the newly-rescued Ahoy to get the scoop on the story.

Sitting down with the rather dejected captain in a local Sydney bar, Hugh introduced himself as the captain gazed into his Fosters, barely raising his head to acknowledge the reporter.

“We were true believers,” he began, ‘there were a lot of depressed folks on board when we spotted that ice. This was just not supposed to happen. Al was, wr…wr…wrong,” the captain stuttered, choking on the words. “Then, to be rescued by a Chinese chopper powered by fossil fuel, well that was just about the last straw.”

“But you accepted the ride.” Hugh noted.

“Yes, we considered at first rejecting the ride—after all they are the biggest polluters of the world’s air and are more responsible for Climate Change than anyone.  But after a close vote we decided to accept the ride. Besides we only had a four-day supply of granola and our latte machine was on the fritz, so there was really no choice,” Ahoy muttered as he took another swig of his Fosters.

Hugh wished him good luck and Godspeed as he got up to leave the sobbing captain.

Hugh’s attempts to contact Al Gore about his ill-fated expedition met with no success. Gore, who is currently developing “Al’s Oceanside Lots” in Phoenix, Arizona, failed to return his several phone calls.

http://canadafreepress.com/index.php/article/60601?utm_source=CFP+Mailout&utm_campaign=422ddc4424-Call_to_Champions&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_d8f503f036-422ddc4424-297703129